 Hey. Hey! BITCH! |
DC's Vertigo imprint was once a revolution and a revelation. Taking its cue from Marvel's failed Epic imprint, Vertigo was created in the early '90s as a vehicle to present more mature, adult-themed, and intellectually challenging comic books. Most famously home to such counterculture breakout successes like SANDMAN, PREACHER, and the INVISIBLES, Vertigo is quite obviously one of the most influential, most popular, and most creatively and fiscally successful comic book publishing imprints in history. Everything they publish is worth taking at least one look at, and incredibly most of what they publish is worth reading.
However, in an industry besieged by a shrinking audience, rising costs, a glut of product, and a respectful, but oddly apathetic general populace, what hope is there for Vertigo? Without a real breakout hit since PREACHER ended a couple years ago, Vertigo seems to be in a bit of a bind. Trade paperbacks and 30,000 pasty Goth kids can only keep you afloat for so long. The question becomes not will Vertigo survive, but HOW will they survive and is the imprint still relevant anymore?
Diversification seems to be Vertigo's attitude these days, and really has been for the last couple years. Once home to a collective of revisionist superhero and fantasy books aimed at older readers (BOOKS OF MAGIC, DOOM PATROL, SHADE, SWAMP THING, etc), Vertigo has since thrillingly and enthusiastically broadened its horizons in just about every way possible. Its enviable current roster includes a superb noir/conspiracy thriller (100 BULLETS), an over-the-top spy/sex farce (CODENAME: KNOCKOUT), cultishly adored, long-running hits TRANSMETROPOLITAN and HELLBLAZER, and a smattering of equally compelling mini-series and trades.
 Wank over a picture of this group... |
But in order to make sure it's around, to make sure it still matters in a couple years, Vertigo has to change with the times. It has to concede defeat, suck it up, and run with the current trend in comic books. Vertigo must acquire some old '70s and '80s licensed properties. There's just no other way.
I'm telling you, it'll work. If there something to be learned from how many people still care about GI Joe, Transformers, and Thundercats, it's selling people back their memories is a lucrative business. Here's how it should go:
FAT ALBERT AND THE COSBY KIDS - Fresh off of their success with Marvel Max's CAGE, Brian Azzarello and Richard Corben represent and re-present Bill Cosby's Saturday morning staple in a tale of the modern American ghetto as a tragic sociological wasteland. Set in a Philadelphia still on edge and at racial odds since the MOVE fire bombing of 1985, Rudy's a local pimp at war with the scattered but still powerful remnants of the Mafia. Weird Harold and Dumb Donald are crack addicts, Mushmouth lives in a two-bedroom apartment with his battered wife and four kids, and Fat Albert is a handicapped type A diabetic who plays his radiator on street corners for insulin money. It's pretty obvious that all the gang has left are their memories of the Brown Hornet and playing baseball in the dump.
 I'm disturbed and disgusted by Andrew's knowledge of this character... |
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE - Recruited to Vertigo due to her funky underground success THE DESERT PEACH, Donna Barr brings back the '80s stinkiest toy as an intellectual sexual farce. Set in a sunny lesbian commune called Strawberryland, Shortcake and her friends tend to their gardens, spend quality time with their pets, play softball, argue about who's the most butch, put on drag king shows, and eat pies. On and off couple Lemon Meringue and Orange Blossom are at odds again because of their disagreement on what color to paint the bathroom, but the real conflict arises when a candy bar named Sexual Chocolate arrives in town. Bursting with charisma and virility, Sexual Chocolate sends Strawberryland into an uproar when the residents start questioning their sexuality.
MISFITS OF SCIENCE - Grant Morrison puts THE FILTH on hiatus to work on a continuing series starring this infamous '80s super team. Joined by no less than thirty different artists including Chris Weston, Frank Quitely, and Al Milgrom, Morrison assaults the reader with pop culture, weird science, and some mystical claptrap about "memes," intestinal zombies, laser guided robot sitcom actors, and nanotechnology to create a radical counterrevolution of mind, space, body, sex, and Mountain Dew. The series' greatest achievement will be that it seems to be about everything, but really isn't about anything at all. Everybody says they love it anyway, even though nobody ever knows what the hell Morrison is talking about.
 The NEW marble in your underpants. |
HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - AMERICAN FLAGG and AMERICAN CENTURY's Howard Chaykin writes and finally returns to the drawing board to create a mini-series based on the classic television movie. The Professor is the modern disaffected baby boomer American male. Disgusted with his place in society, and subconsciously fighting the conservative beliefs of his parents, the Professor is a psychological powder keg. The young and nubile, but vapid Mary-Anne started boring him a long time ago, especially when he found that he was started to be attracted to the formerly asexual Gilligan. The Howells' obsession with money explores a modern American psychosis, and when the Globetrotters crash land on the island, Ginger's sexual self-repression explodes as she sleeps with the whole team. The Skipper fights with his latent racism, and there are some robots.
PAC MAN - The strange and frightening talent of independent creator Renee French (SOAP LADY) is brought in to revisit this early '80s phenom in what is the first in a series of one-shots celebrating classic video games. Under the pen of French, Pac Man becomes a metaphor for the modern worker drone, and his world a metaphor for corporate society and culture. In a surreal portrait of loneliness, loss, and the futileness of existence, all the Pac knows is his job. He just keeps going and going and going. For extra energy, he takes meta-amphetamines (i.e., Power Pellets). If he stops, ghosts reminding him of his pointless life and neglected family will catch up with him, destroying his body and mind. Later one-shots in the series are Jim Woodring's "Joust," Peter Milligan's "Robotron 2084," and Warren Ellis' "Mr. Do."
 Revolutionary vaccine, or a new strain of E? |
JEM - Garth Ennis explores his female side in his latest epic. Based on the '80s cartoon of the same name, the latest reincarnation of "Jem" begins in Dublin, where Jem and the Holograms have sequestered themselves in order to get past their writer's block. While discussing their predicament in the local pub, Shane McGowan appears and offers the girls help in exchange for anal sex. McGowan eventually settles for a pint, and the team settles in to a local studio for some music, drinking, and brawling. One night, McGowan is left alone in the studio. The Misfits invade and kidnap the dentally challenged rock star. Jem sets out with her AK-47, flamethrower, and tank to find her friend.
JONNY QUEST - By Paul Pope. Actually, this could seriously work. Look, Jonny is a globetrotting twenty-something adventurer living in the East Village. In his spare time, he and Hadji tag team DJ at various clubs around Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Dr. Quest has gone underground in order to explore mind-expanding drugs, and Race roams the earth kicking all kinds of ass. The powerful forces of inter-dimensional space and time and science that draw the four back together will equate to one of the best action movies you'll ever read.
Scoff if you want, but it would work.